Once upon a time...

  This week has definitely been one of revelation, and faith on fire! 

So the story goes, once upon a time, there was a little girl who was very afraid. Of people, of change, of life, of opinions, of everything around her. She had always been afraid. As she grew, the fear grew with her. The words that hurt were planted deep, and she believed every harsh judgement- that she wasn't good enough, that she was worthless, and stupid. That she would never amount to anything. That it was impossible to love her. Weird, odd, crazy, and so many other words that were used to describe her became a firm definition of her character, and she believed them all. As an adult, adding poor decisions, trauma, and violence to the mix added another level of fear and doubt. And she believed she deserved punishment all the time for the things she had done. She saw only the dark side of herself, but never told a soul. Most who knew her at this point would say she was wild, and fun, energetic, and adventurous. They saw what she chose to show them, hiding behind the walls she had built, so no one would ever get to the places that were so scarred and hurt.  And for a few years, this worked well. She became a mom, a hard working woman and a granny. She wrote down her thoughts, and sorted through the emotions, and dug deep to find purpose and meaning. God was with her, though she had no idea how close He walked. Until now. All the years of doubt, and fear, are becoming distant memories, as she learns to lean in to her faith, trust God in all things, and leave the burdens at the cross. Jesus paid the ultimate price so that the sins of her past and present could be forgiven. She chooses to honor that sacrifice. 

As we go through life, certain experiences shape us, change us, and leave a mark. Be WE have a choice to become better, not bitter. We have a choice to love instead of hate. We have a choice to do good or do harm. There is such a bigger picture than the one we see looking out our tiny windows. There is so much that we can do to change the world, use our God given gifts, and live boldly. We weren't created to keep it to ourselves, but to share our faith, our gifts, and our testimony with the world.

Today I have put my armor on, and prepared for battle. I choose life! I choose hope, joy, and love.

We love because He first loved us.

How big will your brave be today? That is up to YOU.

All in Due Time

 Today's lesson-There is a time to talk and a time to listen. Do you know when? Sometimes, we get so caught up in hearing the sound of our own voice that we forget to listen. Listening to others is truly an art. In order to listen well, you have to first put your ego aside, and truly hear the other people in the room You might find, in fact, that your voice is not the only one that matters. In order to grow, and change, you have to listen to many voices, and actually reflect upon what you have heard. An immediate response is in fact, not always necessary. We react. Out of hurt, anger, frustration, joy, and so many emotions. And though it is not always a bad thing, if we forget the listening part, we might miss out on amazing ideas, thoughts and inspiration. So I challenge you to be brave, and be quiet. Listen to the sounds around you and draw your inspiration from that.

 Well, a couple have months have went by since I wrote, and growth continues to happen. Through setbacks, weird health issues, anger and frustration, there has also been joy, laughter, and increased faith. So we're calling it a win!

On my mind today? Many things. The success and happiness of my children, world peace, changing the world one heart at a time...sounds like a mountain doesn't it? And when we want to move mountains, where do we turn? God. Simple answer. But it's not an easy task sometimes. 

When we fall from the pedestal the world puts us on, we lose faith in ourself. Why is that? Because we are listening to the WRONG PEOPLE. We are so busy trying to do what the world expects-be the best-at our job, at parenting, being fit, trendy, and all the while, we are EXHAUSTED. When we value others opinions of us, we fail every time to meet the expectation. We are human. We make mistakes. And taking those mistakes, confessing them to God, and working on being who He designed is a good start. Listening, instead of talking. Praying instead of complaining. Taking action.

Too many times, we complain about our town, coworkers, family, friends, spouse, kids....the list goes on. And what does that accomplish? Do you feel better when you talk badly about others? Does it bring you joy? Nope! It allows you to stay stuck in a spot that is familiar. Change is impossible if you resort to the same behavior over and over. You have to take steps to change the pattern. And it starts with YOU.

I have made many poor choices in my life. Giving in to anger, holding grudges, and hurting those closest to me by remaining distant. And that did nothing more than isolate me from everything and everyone. I relied on myself, thinking that I wasn't good enough for God. I felt like I wasn't worth anyone's time or effort, and didn't deserve friendship, love, company...the list goes on. I am not particularly proud of those moments, but they are a very important part of the journey. You see, you have to lay your past to rest, and BELIEVE you are forgiven. That's not something anyone can do for you, you have to do it for yourself. And trust me when I say, dealing with your past is HARD and PAINFUL. Facing what has happened to you, facing the wrongs you have done, and then figuring out how to not go back to the same unhealthy behavior doesn't happen overnight. A wise man once told me "healing isn't linear" and he wasn't wrong. We all have our own paths to travel, but we have an opportunity to help others along the way. My journey has been a bumpy one which defined the strength, determination, and grit that I possess. But doing it alone, I don't recommend. 

I now have a chance to help others not go down the roads I traveled. To make better choices, and to believe in the good of others. You can't assume everyone is bad. You have to open your eyes and heart to the idea that maybe, just maybe, there are a few good ones left who just want to make the world a better place. 

I will say, my healing has just begun, and the journey continues to be a surprising one. But the decision to allow a few folks in the circle was a good one. I have learned to make wiser choices about who is in my circle, who I trust to be there as I am for them.

I can't finish without mentioning that part of this has been letting go-of people who aren't healthy for me, habits that lead to bad decisions, and emotions that serve no purpose. It's hard to let go of the familiar, but if you're not uncomfortable, you're not growing. 

I hope something in this inspires you, touches your heart, or at least lets you know that you are not alone. God is waiting, and He hears you.

#trustyourjourney

March has arrived! And what a busy month it is becoming! On the 5th, I was baptized in the name of Jesus, and I cannot even describe the experience.....peace, so beautiful washed over my heart. Joy filled that church as we all said AMEN! And each day is a chance to live the life He designed for me!

Now that being said, it doesn't mean it will be easy. That it will always be joyous and filled with light. It means there is always someone with me, and that I can turn to Him when the darkness comes. It is work, dedication, and most of all, A CHOICE. I actively decided to let God take the lead. He has been a force in my life for many years, but I seem to try to be in charge. It took a lot to realize that I am not writing the story. I am living the life that was planned for me before I knew. And I now have this amazing and beautiful family of sisters and brothers that are walking the path with me. They have taught me the meaning of "leaning in". Trusting Him. Sharing the struggles without shame. Listening without judgement.....and allowing others in your life and your heart, loving you where you are, not where they think you should be. For that, I am forever grateful!

As the week begins, I will have more scans, and we will see what the next step will be. I am nervous and scared, but trusting that He is with me for each moment, and that no matter what the result, I will have the strength to face it. If it's good news, then we will celebrate with ...COFFEE....LOL. And if not, we will be brave, and trust the process.

God bless you all! Remember, you are loved, you have a purpose, and you are most certainly enough.

 Well, a lot has happened in the recent months. I found myself in a darker place than I have ever been. And I wasn't sure if I would come out. I had to face some pretty serious realities in myself, my life, and my "family". And it was more painful than I had ever imagined. I found myself crying, and angry, and quite lost in this world that has become a place I no longer recognize. I was at a loss. I have always been able to "suck it up", "get over it" and "put on my big girl pants". This was ineffective. I questioned everyone around me, and their "angle" in being part of my life. I questioned my own ability to rise every day, and face the world. I no longer believed I could accomplish anything, or reach the goals I had set. And I became stuck.

Now, that being said, I never questioned God, and never quit believing He had a plan for me and my life. I begged for Him to show me the purpose of these particular struggles. What was I supposed to be learning? How did this fit into the plan? What was I missing? And yes, I had a few moments of why me and this isn't fair. Here's the good news. He met me where I was. He sent me people who weren't trying to tear me down. People who loved me in spite of the mess. Amazing humans who actually WANTED to be a part of my life, and part of my journey, no matter how hard. Cool, huh?

I am learning each day, and becoming, once again, the strong woman I was taught to be. It isn't easy, and it is definitely not pretty! I cry, and pray, and get angry. But I also find joy, peace, and inspiration. I am blessed, even when I don't know it, and for that I am grateful. I don't know how long I have on this earth, but what I do know is....I DIDN'T QUIT!! 

So tonight, if you are in a dark place, I will bring a flashlight. If you want to cry, I will sit with you until you feel better. If you feel you don't matter, I am here to tell you, YOU DO. God doesn't make mistakes, and He chose to make YOU, which means you have purpose. He loves you, so you are not alone. And even when you fall short, He waits for you to come to Him for help.

I am far from perfect, and fail Him daily. But I know what it is like to be ready to quit, and find a sign He sent, just for me, at the right moment. 

I will catch up with you all again, so until then, FEAR NOT, BE BRAVE, and GOD BLESS.